Let me make this loud and clear : I am sick and tired of dealing with the idiotic self-absorbed ramblings of my mother. I swear if she does not stop pissing me off, somebody will get hurt. physically. every time she starts that lecture of hers, i feel like jumping off my seat and wring my hands around her throat. if she's lucky, my fantasy would settle with grabbing her hair. Anything, to make her shut the hell up.
I've said this may times. I've done nothing wrong. Nothing. I'm not failing in school, i'm not out doing drugs, i'm not hanging with hooligans, i'm not prostituting myself, i dont run away, i dont drink, i dont go clubbing, i dont date, i dont make out with random strangers, i dont get arrested. i call her once a week; she wants it every day. i want to take on a big prohect with the whole refugee thing, she thinks its a waste of time n i shld get something in a hospital. i do the drug addict thing, interviewing 4 people a day, she says i have poor time management and should talk with the admin people. when my face breaks out, she tells me i look dirty. i get a skin infection, she says i have poor 'skin hygiene'. what the f*ck does that even mean. she tells me the way i speak is very arrogant. damn right it sound arrogant after u consistently piss me off every chance u get u lousy b!tch. grow up and be a mum.
'all this is to help you. noone else will tell u coz they dont care. i'm telling u becoz i'm yr mum'. enough. enough. ENOUGH. one of these days if you dont shut the hell up about how terrible i am or how badly i treat you or how i 'worship' my dad or how i 'idolize' my stepmum...mark my words, i will most definitely cut myself up, your own 'flesh & blood' mutilated in front of you because of your own doing, you wouldnt know what hit you. lucky you that u have a spare daughter since your first one is so faulty. God must hv f*cked u up real bad with this deal, lousy husband=lousy kid. Maybe then, u'll shut up and leave me alone.
maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that you HAVE a daugther who DOES care about you. believe me when i say i love you, but i'm saturated to the point i don't give a sh!t as to how this relationship turns out. I'm always wrong, i cant please you. Dont like me, find another daughter. you have my blessings.
Please...i'm tired. i cant take it. i dont want to take it anymore. PLEASE. dont anyone ever try to tell me otherwise. i;ve tried everything. i've been patient. i've tried talking. i tried letting things cool. i've tried being nice. Fact is, fire will always burn whatever stands in its way.
I'm a smart girl. At least i was a smart girl. If i'm actually seeing drugs or suicide as a solution, dont u f*ckin try to tell me that I am the problem.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Addicts & Me
Today is my third day conducting my elective project in PERSADA Sungai Besi. My working title : Depressive Symptoms & Suicide Behaviour among Drug Addicts. I think i've written in my previous posts that it began with me not wanting to be stuck in a hospital. Opted for refugee health under the UNHCR; unsuccessful, no thanks to the bureaucratic mess. The idea of Pusat Serenti came (thanks to Daniel's dad) and after visiting the place, I thought it would be good to screen for symptoms of depression and suicidal tendencies. So as i am bounced between the Public Health and the Psychiatry department, i am now interviewing the addicts on a whole bunch of psychiatric illnesses. Waaay more detailed than i expected. So yeah, i am worried for my project. The accuracy & validity of it all. Am i doing it right? Am i contaminating the study? Is it all a bluff?
Research aside, i like going to PERSADA. Once formalities have passed and i've settled in, i start talking with the people : the councellors, the policemen, the core addicts, as well as the rehabilitated ones. To be honest, not many have faith in the addicts cleaning themselves up. Addicts are very good talkers. Persistent, i can tell you that. Frankly they are more organized than i am. They were more helpful than the people in charge, in terms of getting my project started. They made a list, and scheduled appointments for me to interview which guy at what time. They come sit with me; some of them telling their life stories. Heck, i think i know more about them than i do most my classmates. Through this programme they are taught to open up and share; and that's exactly what they're doing. No shame, no ego and i can feel the contrast as to how guarded i really am. But, I have been told not to trust them.
Maybe I am naive in this field, but i can't help but feel hopeful for them recovering. If we (the people who are supposed to help them) do not trust them, how are they expected to heal and even hope to be accepted back into society? I look at some of them, they have leadership. Organization. Some are really enthusiastic and a lot more proactive than the people i'm with in medical school. I admit i am guilty of slacking, which is why I feel embarassed being among the addicts. Only on my 3rd day, and they respect me as much as they do their councellors. They call me Dr, or Cik, even Puan. Knocking before they enter, asking permission to sit down. Sweep my office, carry my files, getting chairs, greeting me as i pass by.
This is my first encounter with drug addicts. I've known recreational users before, but not addicts. Am i really that different from them? The times i felt i'd do anything to not exist, to not be lucid or just plain stop what i'm feeling.... these people had drugs. Who is to say i'd turn out different should the opportunity of drugs be presented before me?
Do they look diseased? No. Do i feel scared sitting among them? No. I As a matter of fact i feel edgier going to class & ward rounds. Do i feel uncomfortable and awkward? The same as I am with any other guy. I dont even mind being in their hostel compound by myself.
I believe they have a chance to heal if they commit to the program. But as i said, i may be naive.
OK. so this post may be a bit all over the place. I may write a next installment about my experience with the addicts. Lets see how much PERSADA has an effect on me. Perhaps, even I will be rehabilitated after this project. Till next time, ciao!
Research aside, i like going to PERSADA. Once formalities have passed and i've settled in, i start talking with the people : the councellors, the policemen, the core addicts, as well as the rehabilitated ones. To be honest, not many have faith in the addicts cleaning themselves up. Addicts are very good talkers. Persistent, i can tell you that. Frankly they are more organized than i am. They were more helpful than the people in charge, in terms of getting my project started. They made a list, and scheduled appointments for me to interview which guy at what time. They come sit with me; some of them telling their life stories. Heck, i think i know more about them than i do most my classmates. Through this programme they are taught to open up and share; and that's exactly what they're doing. No shame, no ego and i can feel the contrast as to how guarded i really am. But, I have been told not to trust them.
Maybe I am naive in this field, but i can't help but feel hopeful for them recovering. If we (the people who are supposed to help them) do not trust them, how are they expected to heal and even hope to be accepted back into society? I look at some of them, they have leadership. Organization. Some are really enthusiastic and a lot more proactive than the people i'm with in medical school. I admit i am guilty of slacking, which is why I feel embarassed being among the addicts. Only on my 3rd day, and they respect me as much as they do their councellors. They call me Dr, or Cik, even Puan. Knocking before they enter, asking permission to sit down. Sweep my office, carry my files, getting chairs, greeting me as i pass by.
This is my first encounter with drug addicts. I've known recreational users before, but not addicts. Am i really that different from them? The times i felt i'd do anything to not exist, to not be lucid or just plain stop what i'm feeling.... these people had drugs. Who is to say i'd turn out different should the opportunity of drugs be presented before me?
Do they look diseased? No. Do i feel scared sitting among them? No. I As a matter of fact i feel edgier going to class & ward rounds. Do i feel uncomfortable and awkward? The same as I am with any other guy. I dont even mind being in their hostel compound by myself.
I believe they have a chance to heal if they commit to the program. But as i said, i may be naive.
OK. so this post may be a bit all over the place. I may write a next installment about my experience with the addicts. Lets see how much PERSADA has an effect on me. Perhaps, even I will be rehabilitated after this project. Till next time, ciao!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Dreams
For the most part of my life I've been having this recurring dream...I think it started when i was in SGGS, but I'm not quite sure. In the dream i would lose my teeth. Teeth would just spill out from my mouth, kinda like popcorn spilling out from the cooking pot.
The dream would start with normal daily conversations, or me eating cereal, which would be interrupted when i felt something hard in my mouth. I'd take it out, puzzled because I had apparently lost a tooth. In some dreams, i'd locate the gap and feel my squiggly, newly-exposed gums. Then i would just carry on as if nothing happened, but more and more teeth start falling off, and they'll start to spill out of my mouth. The rate of them falling would increase and eventually I can't spit them out in time, and I'm stuffed with teeth. I'd be so confused and panicked : Why are the falling off? How many teeth do i actually have? How do i make it stop?
Well, in MRSM I read a magazine article about 'decoding' dreams. That article said dreaming about losing teeth (be it a tooth lose within its socket or actually detached) signifies the loss of a loved one or of the fear thereof. I was skeptical. I've been having this dreams for a couple of years already and yet noone arounf me has died. I'm not in a relationship hence no lover is leaving me. Among friends, well I wasn't in any major aguments/disputes. I know dreams don't necessarily mean anything, but wouldn't anyone be curious if it keeps coming back?
Anyway the dreams continued and in PASUM I found another article about dreams. This one said that losing teeth is symbolic of losing control over something. On the other hand, it is about keeping a secret and hoping noone ever finds out. Almost like a state of desperation. Now it makes more sense. There is truth to that interpretetion; I felt somwhat vulnerable and exposed just reading those few lines. Me being me, I wasn't about to believe it anyway. Until...
A couple of months ago, someone I cared about very deeply had left me for good. Guess I already saw it coming, but that precisely is the deadly beauty of hope. I've prepared myself a year ago and yet I still lingered. On the outside I've let everything go, banished the prized posessions and deeper connections. Ironic, how this very act has condemned me to my solitude in wishful thinking; to live in your mind is to live in the devil's playing field. I am now vulnerable to my own dangerous mind where EVERYTHING is possible.
Wanna know what's interesting? I don't have those dreams anymore.
I lost my loved one. I have nothing to hide. I no longer see the point of being in control.
You can make your own conclusions.
So long, my friends. Have a great life.
The dream would start with normal daily conversations, or me eating cereal, which would be interrupted when i felt something hard in my mouth. I'd take it out, puzzled because I had apparently lost a tooth. In some dreams, i'd locate the gap and feel my squiggly, newly-exposed gums. Then i would just carry on as if nothing happened, but more and more teeth start falling off, and they'll start to spill out of my mouth. The rate of them falling would increase and eventually I can't spit them out in time, and I'm stuffed with teeth. I'd be so confused and panicked : Why are the falling off? How many teeth do i actually have? How do i make it stop?
Well, in MRSM I read a magazine article about 'decoding' dreams. That article said dreaming about losing teeth (be it a tooth lose within its socket or actually detached) signifies the loss of a loved one or of the fear thereof. I was skeptical. I've been having this dreams for a couple of years already and yet noone arounf me has died. I'm not in a relationship hence no lover is leaving me. Among friends, well I wasn't in any major aguments/disputes. I know dreams don't necessarily mean anything, but wouldn't anyone be curious if it keeps coming back?
Anyway the dreams continued and in PASUM I found another article about dreams. This one said that losing teeth is symbolic of losing control over something. On the other hand, it is about keeping a secret and hoping noone ever finds out. Almost like a state of desperation. Now it makes more sense. There is truth to that interpretetion; I felt somwhat vulnerable and exposed just reading those few lines. Me being me, I wasn't about to believe it anyway. Until...
A couple of months ago, someone I cared about very deeply had left me for good. Guess I already saw it coming, but that precisely is the deadly beauty of hope. I've prepared myself a year ago and yet I still lingered. On the outside I've let everything go, banished the prized posessions and deeper connections. Ironic, how this very act has condemned me to my solitude in wishful thinking; to live in your mind is to live in the devil's playing field. I am now vulnerable to my own dangerous mind where EVERYTHING is possible.
Wanna know what's interesting? I don't have those dreams anymore.
I lost my loved one. I have nothing to hide. I no longer see the point of being in control.
You can make your own conclusions.
So long, my friends. Have a great life.
Monday, August 25, 2008
-no subject-
My apologies for the lack of a creative title. I've been meaning to write something the past couple of weeks...for therapeutic reasons, mainly. Who says 08/08/08 brings luck n good fortune? I don't think I trust Feng Shui that much anymore...not that I'm a believer.
Anyways. I'm back in class. First day, fourth year MBBS. After a mere 2 week break at the end of 3rd year, we're back at it. And they just HAD to put me in Emergency Medicine. I'm on-call tomorrow. So many procedures, so little time. Where's the confidence? Today, Prakash saw, did, and TAUGHT someone to insert a CBD (its a tube 2 drain urine from the bladder). Wow. I don't even have guts to put on gloves! I know for sure i'd be over the moon once i do it. Anything. But, i have to get over myself first. Seriously, dealing with human bodies (and bodily fluids)...NOT as easy as it looks.
Electives. Well, my project is to study depression & suicide behaviour among drug addicts. Sounds pretty 'out there' don't u think? I start in October. Its just a questionnaire thing, followed by some statistics thing and a report writing thing. I actually had a partner, Daniel, but due to unfortunate circumstances I am now diong this project alone. Me. Alone. In a Pusat Serenti with 200 recovering male drug addicts. My supervisors actually WANT to supervise me, literally, as in come down day-to-day for the interviews. I feel like a kid needing adult supervision when cycling. Haha. Anyways. I'm pretty freaked out;
1) there's so much paperwork with ethics n all
2) I think i may have bit off more than i can chew...by myself, i think i'm out of my depth here
3) I know nuts about statistics
But i think its good, if i pull through. I'm hoping for a confidence boost like CRP. Besides, my supervisors think there's a good chance my paper will be published. Either way,I still have to submit my report to the Agensi Antidadah Kebangsaan. Pressure. Pressure.
What else should I write.... lets go material!
Well. I've successfully converted to Crocs. I think i'll get another pair! Those who know me will know that i really use my shoes till they look like crap...and then reluctant to replace them. Hard to find something to match up to the convenience and comfort. So these crocs finally replaced my once-pink Scholl slip-ons. Ooh. I also bought a new pair of heels. They're SO cute. Black velvet peep-toe 4-inch pumps. Ha ha. When on earth am i gonna wear that.... Ooh. I'm also using my old perfume again, RALPH. I love it! This time, no roommates are overdosing themselves with it before they go dating. Hah!
I think I'm done. There's a good chance I'll write again soon since I no longer have a social life. Sad, I know. Ok then. Bye bye.
Anyways. I'm back in class. First day, fourth year MBBS. After a mere 2 week break at the end of 3rd year, we're back at it. And they just HAD to put me in Emergency Medicine. I'm on-call tomorrow. So many procedures, so little time. Where's the confidence? Today, Prakash saw, did, and TAUGHT someone to insert a CBD (its a tube 2 drain urine from the bladder). Wow. I don't even have guts to put on gloves! I know for sure i'd be over the moon once i do it. Anything. But, i have to get over myself first. Seriously, dealing with human bodies (and bodily fluids)...NOT as easy as it looks.
Electives. Well, my project is to study depression & suicide behaviour among drug addicts. Sounds pretty 'out there' don't u think? I start in October. Its just a questionnaire thing, followed by some statistics thing and a report writing thing. I actually had a partner, Daniel, but due to unfortunate circumstances I am now diong this project alone. Me. Alone. In a Pusat Serenti with 200 recovering male drug addicts. My supervisors actually WANT to supervise me, literally, as in come down day-to-day for the interviews. I feel like a kid needing adult supervision when cycling. Haha. Anyways. I'm pretty freaked out;
1) there's so much paperwork with ethics n all
2) I think i may have bit off more than i can chew...by myself, i think i'm out of my depth here
3) I know nuts about statistics
But i think its good, if i pull through. I'm hoping for a confidence boost like CRP. Besides, my supervisors think there's a good chance my paper will be published. Either way,I still have to submit my report to the Agensi Antidadah Kebangsaan. Pressure. Pressure.
What else should I write.... lets go material!
Well. I've successfully converted to Crocs. I think i'll get another pair! Those who know me will know that i really use my shoes till they look like crap...and then reluctant to replace them. Hard to find something to match up to the convenience and comfort. So these crocs finally replaced my once-pink Scholl slip-ons. Ooh. I also bought a new pair of heels. They're SO cute. Black velvet peep-toe 4-inch pumps. Ha ha. When on earth am i gonna wear that.... Ooh. I'm also using my old perfume again, RALPH. I love it! This time, no roommates are overdosing themselves with it before they go dating. Hah!
I think I'm done. There's a good chance I'll write again soon since I no longer have a social life. Sad, I know. Ok then. Bye bye.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Notes to Self
Hello self. You've just moved out of your dwellings in the HTAR Klang Campus and checked in to Block C, 6th College. It is officially the start of your 2-week study leave and your 3rd MBBS Examinations will commence on the 28th of July 2008, ending somewhere in mid-August.
I know you've scheduled a gathering in Bukit Merah with your friends next week, but you have to admit that you are somewhat worried and in doubt; even questioning your judgement. All i'm saying is that I know they're important to you and that this is the only window you have for the trip, so please, please, PLEASE pull in your weight and work extra hard during what's left of your study leave. Remember how you pushed yourself in the weeks preceeding PMR, SPM, PASUM exams....
Anyway. Just to remind you what we agreed on :
1) What happens in Klang, stays in Klang.
2) Busy schedule + Multiple deadlines = Work gets done
[Discipline] + [Motivation] = [Function]
3) Your vicious cycle may destroy you. When ready, get help.
4) Trust your instincts. They're there for a reason.
5) The afternoon coffee works for you.
6) Buy new baju kurung, please. And tudung as well.
7) Stop having McDonald's and cut down on Coke.
8) Take pride in what you do.
Trust me girl, you still got it in you somewhere. Just believe.
All the best. We know you'll do fine. Call me if you need anything, ok? Bye bye now. Take care. Love ya.
I know you've scheduled a gathering in Bukit Merah with your friends next week, but you have to admit that you are somewhat worried and in doubt; even questioning your judgement. All i'm saying is that I know they're important to you and that this is the only window you have for the trip, so please, please, PLEASE pull in your weight and work extra hard during what's left of your study leave. Remember how you pushed yourself in the weeks preceeding PMR, SPM, PASUM exams....
Anyway. Just to remind you what we agreed on :
1) What happens in Klang, stays in Klang.
2) Busy schedule + Multiple deadlines = Work gets done
[Discipline] + [Motivation] = [Function]
3) Your vicious cycle may destroy you. When ready, get help.
4) Trust your instincts. They're there for a reason.
5) The afternoon coffee works for you.
6) Buy new baju kurung, please. And tudung as well.
7) Stop having McDonald's and cut down on Coke.
8) Take pride in what you do.
Trust me girl, you still got it in you somewhere. Just believe.
All the best. We know you'll do fine. Call me if you need anything, ok? Bye bye now. Take care. Love ya.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I am now 22
The 15th of May has come and gone....so apparently, i am 1 year older. I am now 22...no longer 21. Didn't even get drunk (i am SO pure).
Being a young adult is a lot like being a kid; in a sense that you go through a tremendous amount of growth within a short period of time. At least that's what I think. At 18, you're embracing your newfound freedom. At 19, you're starting University/College. At 20, you are looking at the prospects of your future career or other directions u may want to pursue. As for me, my grandmothers are hinting of boyfriends and marriage, which freaks the hell outta me. Then at 21, the whole 'adulthood' thing finally hits : makes me think of responsibilities (especially concerning my sis and family), domestic chores and basically managing my life. Gotta get a sense of who you are and a sense of purpose. On the other hand, it makes me feel freaked coz there's so much to learn; books aside. So many things to do, so little time. With this sense of 'adulthood' as well, i want to have fun, and I aint reporting to noone.
And now I'm 22. Again, the grandmas and my mum talks of boyfriends & marriage & grandchildren. Although usually jokingly, but sometimes I do become suddenly aware that I am single. And that i'm a woman. God...My mum married at the age of 23. MJ married and had my dad at 21. Maktok F I'm not sure, but also in her early 20s. So at 22, comes the realization that 'the future' (read : working, independent living, marriage & kids) really ain't that far ahead. Technically, it IS within the 5-year plan.
Well, i had a quiet birthday here in Klang. At midnight there were a bunch of SMSes, and a few phone calls. Friendster testimonials, Facebook posts, YM msgs. The sweetest thing came from the darling Leong Yin Hui, my classmate. She came to my room at midnight, holding a makeshift A4-paper box, with a jelly doughnut and a lit candle inside. She sang Happy Birthday, I made a wish and blew out my birthday candle. She's such a gem. I'm sure her bf Chew Hua also had something to do with it. Thank you very much guys, I wish you guys a lifetime of happiness. Another unexpected event was a shared gift from K.Amriana, Fairuz, Farizan and Zaimie. It was a plaque with a nice message on it. It caught me by surprise because 1) i wasn't expecting presents from anyone 2) i'm not even that close to them. We hangout as classmates, sure. Except K.Am though, I hang around her room a lot. She is next door after all. So it was sweet. Deanna also gave me a doughnut after hearing what Yin Hui did and i thought it was cute, her gesture.
I spent d whole day in my room. Supposed to hangout with my sis, but both of us got up at 3pm (well, we were on YM till 6am!). So i decided to just surf the net and clean my room at my own pace. I'm still not done yet! I don't care what time i finish as long as i'm satisfied. Mazuin called and insisted I do SOMETHING on my birthday, so for her sake I went for McD drive-thru. There you go. I'm hanging out with my sis tomorrow, to make up for what we missed today.
With the recent turn of events, I think my turning 22 will be about growing as a woman. As a person sure, I've grown a lot (relatively speaking) but as a woman, not so much. So yeah, i WILL learn to cook. I don't care if its cooking up basic meals or expanding my menu on baking and desserts, as long as I'm familiarizing with the kitchen. At least i'll have something to fall back on. Cleaning i can do. I may not do it very often, but i can do it nonetheless. Just not like clockwork, yet. Sewing...buttons, hooks, clasps are OK. Torn seams are OK. Just can't patch up holes. But i'm doing fine, right? Cooking sucks. I'm 22 and haven't boiled an egg in my life. I dont even know how to peel fruits or cut up vege, let alone prep or clean meats. But baking, not so hopeless (refer previous post, The glory of FOOD). The final task would be babysitting, hahaha. Lets just wait til i get my own kid for that.
Just writing this gives me palpitations. About the future, about growing up. But its good. It needs to be done. Come to think about it....the future...will it be possible to juggle Medicine, Family and Theatre? What about time for myself? Nevermind. For now, just pass medical school and learn to live by yourself. At least if all else fails, you can survive. Haha. Happy Birthday, Dima Marlina and wishing you peace, love and happiness. Adios.
Being a young adult is a lot like being a kid; in a sense that you go through a tremendous amount of growth within a short period of time. At least that's what I think. At 18, you're embracing your newfound freedom. At 19, you're starting University/College. At 20, you are looking at the prospects of your future career or other directions u may want to pursue. As for me, my grandmothers are hinting of boyfriends and marriage, which freaks the hell outta me. Then at 21, the whole 'adulthood' thing finally hits : makes me think of responsibilities (especially concerning my sis and family), domestic chores and basically managing my life. Gotta get a sense of who you are and a sense of purpose. On the other hand, it makes me feel freaked coz there's so much to learn; books aside. So many things to do, so little time. With this sense of 'adulthood' as well, i want to have fun, and I aint reporting to noone.
And now I'm 22. Again, the grandmas and my mum talks of boyfriends & marriage & grandchildren. Although usually jokingly, but sometimes I do become suddenly aware that I am single. And that i'm a woman. God...My mum married at the age of 23. MJ married and had my dad at 21. Maktok F I'm not sure, but also in her early 20s. So at 22, comes the realization that 'the future' (read : working, independent living, marriage & kids) really ain't that far ahead. Technically, it IS within the 5-year plan.
Well, i had a quiet birthday here in Klang. At midnight there were a bunch of SMSes, and a few phone calls. Friendster testimonials, Facebook posts, YM msgs. The sweetest thing came from the darling Leong Yin Hui, my classmate. She came to my room at midnight, holding a makeshift A4-paper box, with a jelly doughnut and a lit candle inside. She sang Happy Birthday, I made a wish and blew out my birthday candle. She's such a gem. I'm sure her bf Chew Hua also had something to do with it. Thank you very much guys, I wish you guys a lifetime of happiness. Another unexpected event was a shared gift from K.Amriana, Fairuz, Farizan and Zaimie. It was a plaque with a nice message on it. It caught me by surprise because 1) i wasn't expecting presents from anyone 2) i'm not even that close to them. We hangout as classmates, sure. Except K.Am though, I hang around her room a lot. She is next door after all. So it was sweet. Deanna also gave me a doughnut after hearing what Yin Hui did and i thought it was cute, her gesture.
I spent d whole day in my room. Supposed to hangout with my sis, but both of us got up at 3pm (well, we were on YM till 6am!). So i decided to just surf the net and clean my room at my own pace. I'm still not done yet! I don't care what time i finish as long as i'm satisfied. Mazuin called and insisted I do SOMETHING on my birthday, so for her sake I went for McD drive-thru. There you go. I'm hanging out with my sis tomorrow, to make up for what we missed today.
With the recent turn of events, I think my turning 22 will be about growing as a woman. As a person sure, I've grown a lot (relatively speaking) but as a woman, not so much. So yeah, i WILL learn to cook. I don't care if its cooking up basic meals or expanding my menu on baking and desserts, as long as I'm familiarizing with the kitchen. At least i'll have something to fall back on. Cleaning i can do. I may not do it very often, but i can do it nonetheless. Just not like clockwork, yet. Sewing...buttons, hooks, clasps are OK. Torn seams are OK. Just can't patch up holes. But i'm doing fine, right? Cooking sucks. I'm 22 and haven't boiled an egg in my life. I dont even know how to peel fruits or cut up vege, let alone prep or clean meats. But baking, not so hopeless (refer previous post, The glory of FOOD). The final task would be babysitting, hahaha. Lets just wait til i get my own kid for that.
Just writing this gives me palpitations. About the future, about growing up. But its good. It needs to be done. Come to think about it....the future...will it be possible to juggle Medicine, Family and Theatre? What about time for myself? Nevermind. For now, just pass medical school and learn to live by yourself. At least if all else fails, you can survive. Haha. Happy Birthday, Dima Marlina and wishing you peace, love and happiness. Adios.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Schoolgirl Crush
Yay, i finally get to write on my blog again!!! Initially i thought it was going to be another event summary coz i've been rather busy but really, i just wanna write someTHING instead of reporting. Before i go on with my ramblings, i just want to mention a few things that has happened :
1) the whole of March i was busy with CRP, better known as 'the Maran thing'. I've only just submitted the 120-page report last week (whew!) n thank God its over. Thank you Chew Hua for not putting pressure on me for deadlines, and thank you Daniel, for keeping me awake to actually do the damn thing.
2) my baby (Baby J, Justin, my lil bunny) has passed away on April 16th. possible MVA. It was so sad. And u know what's worse? my lack of crying/mourning/emotion. I remember i was in love with that adorable lil thing when he was living with me in PJ. I even trained him to kiss my nose n stand up if he wants d carrot in my hand. In fact, he'd sit on my lap n eat from my hand. Chewing on cables, chewing on my files, eating newspaper, 'kacau' me studying just by being so irresistably cute. I miss my cayang...ok, i might just cry now
Back to the topic...the schoolgirl crush. I was talking to Shazwi (my friend from waaay back, a.k.a my neighbour) about our old crushes back in school, and what its like bumping into them again after so long. And you know what, unbelievably, sometimes the heart still skips a beat! Then you notice yourself grinning, looking all silly...and then the giggling, hoping not to blush. Hey, even i can blush under extreme circimstances...usually its my sis who notices. Me, i tend to purse my lips with a weird-looking grin in an attempt not to blush and to hide my embarassment!!!
So yeah, the schoolgirl crush. Not so much of the crush you had back in school...but the feeling of having a crush that makes u feel and react like a giggling, silly, dumb, pubescent schoolgirl again. Haha. Shazwi and i agreed that we don't know whether to like it or not. On one hand, its good coz you're happy n cheerful, in a way releasing that inner child. On the other hand, it betrays all the wisdom and intelligence you've gained after all these years. U mean to say even now as adults u react the same way you did as kids? no way,man!!! But, we do. Crap.
Surprisingly how powerful an apparently-innocent crush can be. I used to have crushes just for amusement in class, or eye-candy, or just purely gossip purposes. Face it, that IS the 'juicy stuff' everybody loves to talk about. Nevermind. Point is, it resets everything to zero and you're still the same kid reacting the same way so, it is important just to keep yourself grounded and aware of this vortex. Its hard to escape, and once in it you don't see anything else. Its a fun feeling, sure, but dont let it suck the brains right out of you.
Now that we are at THAT AGE, will this schoolgirl crush develop into something more meaningful? God knows, coz I don't! As i've always said, you'll never know on'es true intentions. Same goes if you're in a relationship, regardless how long you've know each other or how 'in love' you perceive yourselves to be. Seriously. Trust and respect are qualities that need to be earned, not given. Once granted, they need maintenance. Too much abuse and it ruins evrything. So girls out there, don't blow evrything out of proportions when it comes to your 'man'. Things they say, things they do, may mean nothing at all. You are in 'the zone', the vortex that has distorted your frame of mind and clouded your judgement. You are indeed, delusional. Hahahaha.....
As my friend always says, enjoy the feeling while you have it. But, i will add, that make sure you keep yourself grounded and don't get your hopes up coz you'll never know their true intentions. Good or bad. Easier said than done, but its worth sparing yourself the indignity and pain of potential heartbreak. After all, once the man is gone and you're all alone, tear-stricken and exploding with emotions, you will be crawling back to your friends for sanctuary. If you're lucky (meaning you've still been nice to your friends while you were caught up with that sorry-a$$) they'll take you in. If not, either its time for apologies or thanks for the memories.
So yeah. I've never really been in a relationship. Nor have i had a schoolgirl crush in a long time. But, always being the ears and shoulders these girls come to cry on, i learn. Hence, dubbing myself as Women's Crisis Centre. As we grow up, we are capable of experiencing more emotions, more feelings, and be in different states of mind, regardless of the circumstances. And through this growth, and through the experience of others, you'll discover what you want and what's right for you.
That's all from me now. Its good to ramble once in a while, be it for your own healing or for the benefit of your audience. So, till next time, see u when i see u. Sayonara! Take Care, *muahks*.
1) the whole of March i was busy with CRP, better known as 'the Maran thing'. I've only just submitted the 120-page report last week (whew!) n thank God its over. Thank you Chew Hua for not putting pressure on me for deadlines, and thank you Daniel, for keeping me awake to actually do the damn thing.
2) my baby (Baby J, Justin, my lil bunny) has passed away on April 16th. possible MVA. It was so sad. And u know what's worse? my lack of crying/mourning/emotion. I remember i was in love with that adorable lil thing when he was living with me in PJ. I even trained him to kiss my nose n stand up if he wants d carrot in my hand. In fact, he'd sit on my lap n eat from my hand. Chewing on cables, chewing on my files, eating newspaper, 'kacau' me studying just by being so irresistably cute. I miss my cayang...ok, i might just cry now
Back to the topic...the schoolgirl crush. I was talking to Shazwi (my friend from waaay back, a.k.a my neighbour) about our old crushes back in school, and what its like bumping into them again after so long. And you know what, unbelievably, sometimes the heart still skips a beat! Then you notice yourself grinning, looking all silly...and then the giggling, hoping not to blush. Hey, even i can blush under extreme circimstances...usually its my sis who notices. Me, i tend to purse my lips with a weird-looking grin in an attempt not to blush and to hide my embarassment!!!
So yeah, the schoolgirl crush. Not so much of the crush you had back in school...but the feeling of having a crush that makes u feel and react like a giggling, silly, dumb, pubescent schoolgirl again. Haha. Shazwi and i agreed that we don't know whether to like it or not. On one hand, its good coz you're happy n cheerful, in a way releasing that inner child. On the other hand, it betrays all the wisdom and intelligence you've gained after all these years. U mean to say even now as adults u react the same way you did as kids? no way,man!!! But, we do. Crap.
Surprisingly how powerful an apparently-innocent crush can be. I used to have crushes just for amusement in class, or eye-candy, or just purely gossip purposes. Face it, that IS the 'juicy stuff' everybody loves to talk about. Nevermind. Point is, it resets everything to zero and you're still the same kid reacting the same way so, it is important just to keep yourself grounded and aware of this vortex. Its hard to escape, and once in it you don't see anything else. Its a fun feeling, sure, but dont let it suck the brains right out of you.
Now that we are at THAT AGE, will this schoolgirl crush develop into something more meaningful? God knows, coz I don't! As i've always said, you'll never know on'es true intentions. Same goes if you're in a relationship, regardless how long you've know each other or how 'in love' you perceive yourselves to be. Seriously. Trust and respect are qualities that need to be earned, not given. Once granted, they need maintenance. Too much abuse and it ruins evrything. So girls out there, don't blow evrything out of proportions when it comes to your 'man'. Things they say, things they do, may mean nothing at all. You are in 'the zone', the vortex that has distorted your frame of mind and clouded your judgement. You are indeed, delusional. Hahahaha.....
As my friend always says, enjoy the feeling while you have it. But, i will add, that make sure you keep yourself grounded and don't get your hopes up coz you'll never know their true intentions. Good or bad. Easier said than done, but its worth sparing yourself the indignity and pain of potential heartbreak. After all, once the man is gone and you're all alone, tear-stricken and exploding with emotions, you will be crawling back to your friends for sanctuary. If you're lucky (meaning you've still been nice to your friends while you were caught up with that sorry-a$$) they'll take you in. If not, either its time for apologies or thanks for the memories.
So yeah. I've never really been in a relationship. Nor have i had a schoolgirl crush in a long time. But, always being the ears and shoulders these girls come to cry on, i learn. Hence, dubbing myself as Women's Crisis Centre. As we grow up, we are capable of experiencing more emotions, more feelings, and be in different states of mind, regardless of the circumstances. And through this growth, and through the experience of others, you'll discover what you want and what's right for you.
That's all from me now. Its good to ramble once in a while, be it for your own healing or for the benefit of your audience. So, till next time, see u when i see u. Sayonara! Take Care, *muahks*.
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