20

And so the 15th of May has come and gone, and I am now 20 years old. Some may argue that turning 20 is no big deal, that it is at 21 that the real fun starts. When I was still running around back in my juvenile days I always saw 20-year-olds as adults, people who roam on the face of the earth with purpose, ready to fly from their nests at any given moment. Basically, people who are already in control of what they want and where their life is headed. People who already have that strong sense of self with one foot on the ground and the other, not far behind.

I had been doing a lot of thinking in the days preceeding my birthday. After all that has happened, I am not 20 but 34. I realized that I've been mentally and emotionally exhausted too many times, leaving me a bit haggard for my age. As much of my energy in the past few years has been diverted to the 'unseen' aspects, it has left the growth of the physical and aesthetic parts of my life stunted. So on that aspect, I am 16. Still a clueless teenager confused in a world of women's magazines and MTV. Not to mention the endless clashes of culture and religion with fashion, entertainment and socializing. It is tough being a girl of this age (20), in this era (2000s), even more so if you are not particularly gifted in the looks department, or if you do not have the 'flirt factor' or 'sex appeal' as your secret weapon. Girls can be so cheap, sheesh. Seriously, to the women of the world, i ask you to keep all your powers of seduction in the bedroom and play fair. Never exploit the weaknesses of men and start exploring your own strengths to their greatest potential.

Sorry for sidetracking, hehe. Now where was I.....

Oh yeah. In my trail of thoughts, I came to realize that I haven't been doing anything with my life the past few years. I have tried so hard to be there for others in their times of need that it sometimes gets me frustrated when they don't call or whenever I'm told that my advice didn't help. I admit, i may have interfered a bit when I shouldn't have but they've always thanked me in the end. With my family, I stayed in the sidelines most of the time hoping there would not be another fight. I was always up for it whenever friends ask to go out, or just come to sit and chat. I've been there for some; helping them bounce back from hardship or celebrating with them in their moment of glory. My time is filled with asking people what they are currently doing, and offering advice to the ones in need. In other words, I've been watching the people I care about go through their lives every day. I have become, a witness (hence, the nickname). Its about time I cared less about people and what they think; because most of the time, people don't care! Even the ones you thought would be with you till the end.

Turning 20. What other thoughts came to mind?
1) everything that comes out of my mouth is a complain; everything that goes in is unhealthy
2) my time is not my own, it belongs to the people but i'm not a country leader.
3) my need to regain the independence and self-esteem i've lost
4) join a club, join a class, go places, try things. u get the picture

Result of that much thinking (in circles, if you may see it that way) : 1 week of 70% pure happiness. It was the happiest I've felt in a month or so before my birthday. Heck, I was laughing instead of crying before falling asleep.

OK. Enough of my self-absorbed thoughts. Thank you for enduring the pain of reading through it. Adios muchachos!