Let me make this loud and clear : I am sick and tired of dealing with the idiotic self-absorbed ramblings of my mother. I swear if she does not stop pissing me off, somebody will get hurt. physically. every time she starts that lecture of hers, i feel like jumping off my seat and wring my hands around her throat. if she's lucky, my fantasy would settle with grabbing her hair. Anything, to make her shut the hell up.
I've said this may times. I've done nothing wrong. Nothing. I'm not failing in school, i'm not out doing drugs, i'm not hanging with hooligans, i'm not prostituting myself, i dont run away, i dont drink, i dont go clubbing, i dont date, i dont make out with random strangers, i dont get arrested. i call her once a week; she wants it every day. i want to take on a big prohect with the whole refugee thing, she thinks its a waste of time n i shld get something in a hospital. i do the drug addict thing, interviewing 4 people a day, she says i have poor time management and should talk with the admin people. when my face breaks out, she tells me i look dirty. i get a skin infection, she says i have poor 'skin hygiene'. what the f*ck does that even mean. she tells me the way i speak is very arrogant. damn right it sound arrogant after u consistently piss me off every chance u get u lousy b!tch. grow up and be a mum.
'all this is to help you. noone else will tell u coz they dont care. i'm telling u becoz i'm yr mum'. enough. enough. ENOUGH. one of these days if you dont shut the hell up about how terrible i am or how badly i treat you or how i 'worship' my dad or how i 'idolize' my stepmum...mark my words, i will most definitely cut myself up, your own 'flesh & blood' mutilated in front of you because of your own doing, you wouldnt know what hit you. lucky you that u have a spare daughter since your first one is so faulty. God must hv f*cked u up real bad with this deal, lousy husband=lousy kid. Maybe then, u'll shut up and leave me alone.
maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that you HAVE a daugther who DOES care about you. believe me when i say i love you, but i'm saturated to the point i don't give a sh!t as to how this relationship turns out. I'm always wrong, i cant please you. Dont like me, find another daughter. you have my blessings.
Please...i'm tired. i cant take it. i dont want to take it anymore. PLEASE. dont anyone ever try to tell me otherwise. i;ve tried everything. i've been patient. i've tried talking. i tried letting things cool. i've tried being nice. Fact is, fire will always burn whatever stands in its way.
I'm a smart girl. At least i was a smart girl. If i'm actually seeing drugs or suicide as a solution, dont u f*ckin try to tell me that I am the problem.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Addicts & Me
Today is my third day conducting my elective project in PERSADA Sungai Besi. My working title : Depressive Symptoms & Suicide Behaviour among Drug Addicts. I think i've written in my previous posts that it began with me not wanting to be stuck in a hospital. Opted for refugee health under the UNHCR; unsuccessful, no thanks to the bureaucratic mess. The idea of Pusat Serenti came (thanks to Daniel's dad) and after visiting the place, I thought it would be good to screen for symptoms of depression and suicidal tendencies. So as i am bounced between the Public Health and the Psychiatry department, i am now interviewing the addicts on a whole bunch of psychiatric illnesses. Waaay more detailed than i expected. So yeah, i am worried for my project. The accuracy & validity of it all. Am i doing it right? Am i contaminating the study? Is it all a bluff?
Research aside, i like going to PERSADA. Once formalities have passed and i've settled in, i start talking with the people : the councellors, the policemen, the core addicts, as well as the rehabilitated ones. To be honest, not many have faith in the addicts cleaning themselves up. Addicts are very good talkers. Persistent, i can tell you that. Frankly they are more organized than i am. They were more helpful than the people in charge, in terms of getting my project started. They made a list, and scheduled appointments for me to interview which guy at what time. They come sit with me; some of them telling their life stories. Heck, i think i know more about them than i do most my classmates. Through this programme they are taught to open up and share; and that's exactly what they're doing. No shame, no ego and i can feel the contrast as to how guarded i really am. But, I have been told not to trust them.
Maybe I am naive in this field, but i can't help but feel hopeful for them recovering. If we (the people who are supposed to help them) do not trust them, how are they expected to heal and even hope to be accepted back into society? I look at some of them, they have leadership. Organization. Some are really enthusiastic and a lot more proactive than the people i'm with in medical school. I admit i am guilty of slacking, which is why I feel embarassed being among the addicts. Only on my 3rd day, and they respect me as much as they do their councellors. They call me Dr, or Cik, even Puan. Knocking before they enter, asking permission to sit down. Sweep my office, carry my files, getting chairs, greeting me as i pass by.
This is my first encounter with drug addicts. I've known recreational users before, but not addicts. Am i really that different from them? The times i felt i'd do anything to not exist, to not be lucid or just plain stop what i'm feeling.... these people had drugs. Who is to say i'd turn out different should the opportunity of drugs be presented before me?
Do they look diseased? No. Do i feel scared sitting among them? No. I As a matter of fact i feel edgier going to class & ward rounds. Do i feel uncomfortable and awkward? The same as I am with any other guy. I dont even mind being in their hostel compound by myself.
I believe they have a chance to heal if they commit to the program. But as i said, i may be naive.
OK. so this post may be a bit all over the place. I may write a next installment about my experience with the addicts. Lets see how much PERSADA has an effect on me. Perhaps, even I will be rehabilitated after this project. Till next time, ciao!
Research aside, i like going to PERSADA. Once formalities have passed and i've settled in, i start talking with the people : the councellors, the policemen, the core addicts, as well as the rehabilitated ones. To be honest, not many have faith in the addicts cleaning themselves up. Addicts are very good talkers. Persistent, i can tell you that. Frankly they are more organized than i am. They were more helpful than the people in charge, in terms of getting my project started. They made a list, and scheduled appointments for me to interview which guy at what time. They come sit with me; some of them telling their life stories. Heck, i think i know more about them than i do most my classmates. Through this programme they are taught to open up and share; and that's exactly what they're doing. No shame, no ego and i can feel the contrast as to how guarded i really am. But, I have been told not to trust them.
Maybe I am naive in this field, but i can't help but feel hopeful for them recovering. If we (the people who are supposed to help them) do not trust them, how are they expected to heal and even hope to be accepted back into society? I look at some of them, they have leadership. Organization. Some are really enthusiastic and a lot more proactive than the people i'm with in medical school. I admit i am guilty of slacking, which is why I feel embarassed being among the addicts. Only on my 3rd day, and they respect me as much as they do their councellors. They call me Dr, or Cik, even Puan. Knocking before they enter, asking permission to sit down. Sweep my office, carry my files, getting chairs, greeting me as i pass by.
This is my first encounter with drug addicts. I've known recreational users before, but not addicts. Am i really that different from them? The times i felt i'd do anything to not exist, to not be lucid or just plain stop what i'm feeling.... these people had drugs. Who is to say i'd turn out different should the opportunity of drugs be presented before me?
Do they look diseased? No. Do i feel scared sitting among them? No. I As a matter of fact i feel edgier going to class & ward rounds. Do i feel uncomfortable and awkward? The same as I am with any other guy. I dont even mind being in their hostel compound by myself.
I believe they have a chance to heal if they commit to the program. But as i said, i may be naive.
OK. so this post may be a bit all over the place. I may write a next installment about my experience with the addicts. Lets see how much PERSADA has an effect on me. Perhaps, even I will be rehabilitated after this project. Till next time, ciao!
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